Admired in absentia

I've been lost, it's true
adrift on a sea of fear
but suddenly I've hit the shore
each of the pebbles against my sole
a physical grain opposing that terror
so no more
now I want to make promises to you
about how I'll be better
about holding the standard for myself
that I know you hold me to
and i'm not mad about that but rather disarmed and glad
it means so much for you to see me that way
because you created something for me to aspire toward
in the better, kinder mirrors of your eyes
I'm struggling with myself, you see
Challenging my contradictions to a duel
One where there are no sides and still nobody wins
I'm in a fight against my own nature
I'm in a losing race to learn my darkest corners
In the face of deepening recesses
crevasses opening while I resist burgeoning cynicisms
and while I see this clearly
driven to almost shout this pledge:
I'll strive to be the someone you can admire