Time Away

I often find it hard to truly quantify all the lessons that I've learnt in my life. In those moments when I realise some kind of truth - when one thought seems so clear, obvious and I'm overcome by the power buried in it's wondrous simplicity, it all makes so much sense....I don't question I've grown. But it's the times when I find myself pondering my direction or how to deal with a situation in my life - the times where I'm finding it hard or feeling something again that I hoped, however improbably, had been dealt with and were past, times where it feels i should have the answer - that I forget the things I've seen so far, the things I've overcome and the person I'm choosing to be.

I think it's in the act of dealing with something that we learn, that we grow, and that true strength is to a large extent in that act of surviving. We look things in the eye and whatever we feel, and however scared we are, we live on.

I know I think too much - I think in the same breath it's both a great gift and yet a great burden. I never get to decide what events trigger deeper thoughts, but what you've just read, in truth, has been a prelude in text but conclusion in thought responding to finding myself out of the my country and away from home for over a month; one of the hardest and yet simultaneously best experiences I've had recently.

It's strange, as I sit and type this I feel like I am writing some kind of retrospective about my time in Poland. All I know is I came to another country, by myself, with only some accommodation and an address of where to go for some training; but in the meantime I've laughed, I've cried, I've met people, gotten to know people and built friendships.

Simultaneously it also took my being away to realise that, while living the day to day, amidst the job hunt and the rush to pay the bills, I had lost perspective on my life. I think we have to be active about remembering those things, and I think amidst life's struggles the noise can drown out a tune.

As for me, realising the gift in a chance to gain an incredible insight on my life, I had to ask of myself some really tough questions. There are many things inside myself that I had to evaluate, be honest with myself about, and chose to challenge. It's sometimes strange for me to think how many of these thoughts seem to have taken my being older; I'm curious whether it's the accumulation of experiences or seeing the culmination of effects of those choices I've made as I gradually put aside whatever barriers I created and just be.

It's strange being somewhere else where nobody knows you because you can be anything you want to - and you can portray any image you wish people to see - no burden of legacy or any precedent of your person. I've learnt that I can be in another country and actually rely on myself to build a life; in doing so I've remembered the feeling that, no matter where we are or what our circumstances we can approach those things that are important to us, and I've done it. I think people beings are capable of things they never expected.

I know now that for me it's about people, always people. It was the incredible people I'm privileged to know in my life that I missed most while I was there. And among the forging of new relationships it seemed, like a bare truth that seared, that nobody ever replaces the people you care about in your heart because everyone is different; you just choose to to spend you time a different way and put your energy into different things.

Finally, though I have never find goodbyes easy, the time came and passed to bid farewells. I boarded a plane home, had a coffee and reedited this post managing to capture an idea via the gift of the words you now see before you.

Much of it wasn't easy, much of it was incredibly good fun. I'll be left with the memories and the man they've helped me change to become. I can safely say it has taken me a little time to get some prespective on this trip and what's it's meant.

Above all, though, above all I lived.