The Inference of Care

It was after I sat editing my last post, after I'd published it that having started to ponder its content once again and a thought struck; how different my reaction has been.

So truth is it was precipitated by a situation, and though I can't control how it was construed the talk of the person felt for wasn't from a place of naiivety.

Something has changed; it wasn't that I'd ended up falling head over heels for someone, it's that I sensed the possibility that I'd met someone that for me it could happen with.

Maybe that's precipitated by being easier about those things, maybe it's being more adult. I think it certainly reinforces a belief that we can't predict an outcome, especially where so much of a self is revealed to be ultimately risked.

I believe we only ever know where we are and others are mostly a mystery to us; although we persist in making inferences our only hope of a deciphered clarity is if it is shared. Maybe the nature of the sharing is why it involves as much luck as decision, why it is not given lightly and it's presence to be lauded.

I only wonder if I've lost something in this change. I very strongly believe even in the face of the fear expressed when difference dawns, it is neither good nor bad but simply is: different. But in this newfound reservedness I can't help but see a cynicism. Perhaps it constitutes a less painful existence; but can I ever know how altered my nature is with the depth of its ability to grow care.