Ok

It's the first time today that I've sat for a while with a small iPad - don't think it I've done so since my last workplace where they were a tool of the trade.

Not sure why that's relevant, except it feels like it is so I'm penning it. Consider that my bowing to a thing I feel.

I'm not sure I've been very good at that recently. When you make big changes you want to them to be successes, those hedged bets. You want the 'better' outcomes, and it's funny how much you'll censor and selectively admit realities while perhaps telling yourself a different, alternative narrative. It's funny how much we can convince ourselves of or talk ourselves into and out of.

We want to tell people happy things, particularly friends, particularly if they are people we don't see often. And I think I've got a bit of clarity about why that is; though in the course of writing the words the higher thought has fled.

Perhaps it's our own interpretation of things and our own value judgements; it's tough being in the middle of something where things aren't clear. We like clarity, we like the yes or no and the black and white of things. We like communicating it because it can't be mis-taken, at least in the attempt we might have said where we 'actually, are.

Except nothing works that way. In fact it's a tenet of mine, a central thought: I hate labels, and yet I realise I try to label situations. I've thought before, whether I've said so or not in writing, that those middles are the reality of most of the time and yet I think, simultaneously, the hardest places to be.

It's almost like expressing that things are "ok" is somehow dangerous, too open to interpretation and we like to convey something of ourselves ..particularly to those we care about. Being ok can mean a million different things, but I wonder if actually it is as 'simple' as: "some good, some bad, but I'm somewhat confused by the need to form a concrete summary of those things because I don't know what it all means". And so I am; me.

And yet I think that's where I, at least, exist. Trying to make the best decisions I can, form the best judgements of these in flight situations. Shooting for better but mostly being ok.

When you write it can be a really bizarre thing - why is a certain thing expressed at a certain moment? In fact, it's a fair question to ask why it is or should be expressed at all? I wish I had anything resembling an answer to that. Perhaps it's a form of writers fate that the next line I write states that it's because I can feel it should. There are those pesky feelings again ..just when I needed to listen to them. My chance to capture truth.

So writing is emotional; for me anyway. In the meantime I guess I'm going to trust the people closest to me and double down on that feeling "Ok".